Right now I feel like I have nothing around me...I am traveling through time and stopped at one specific point. To the point where I felt like I was being rescued.
I was being rescued from my own darkness, from my own fears and my tears were being dried.
I looked up and saw a face....there was a smile on this face....a fucking crooked perfect instigating smile.
And I saw a pair of eyes...that were as mesmerizing as the moon. The way those eyes looked at me, used to send me to a place where I used to forget how to breath and my heart used to start its own race towards love.

I wish I could have stopped at that point forever. Just stay there...

My way...

I feel like my life is a mess.
Like a puzzle that doesn't have a match.
And I lost myself in between the many of me,
that are spread on the ground and thrown in the air,
having nothing to hang on or fall at.

It feels like I'm on a roller coast
My stomach burns and the ground never comes
Like a huge hole and a cold wind
That licks my face and makes me freeze

It is cold and it is dark
Too many directions, too many choices
Just one life...

What path should I follow?
The one from my heart?
But for which of them does my heart beat?
For all them and at the same time
I keep on having nothing...

I have dreams...

And I dream, through the day and through the night
But I actually can't fall asleep
I am too busy finding my way
And I am so tired of always finding the same...

Nothing...


Music of the moment:
"For a lonely soul you're having such a nice time..." (Keane - Nothing in your way)

E ela gostaria de esquecer, o que mal entrou. Mais uma desculpa, para explicar o seu estado.
Sente-se aflita, inquieta...um sentimento que há muito a atormenta.
Se perguntas por quê, não há resposta.
Ela também não sabe.

Um dia, caminhando entre pessoas e lugares, ela se depara com o seu próprio reflexo, refletido em nada.
O reflexo lhe sorri, mas ela não exprime contentamento. Ela está surpresa.
Beliscou a si mesma para certificar de que não era sonho. O reflexo não se beliscou.
Então, ela piscou os olhos com força, respirou fundo, abriu os olhos novamente e o seu reflexo ainda estava ali.
O reflexo lhe disse:
_ Calma, sou eu. Digo, você. Não está sonhando.

_ Mas como isso? As pessoas vão achar que sou louca.

_ Talvez esse seja um dos seus problemas. Se preocupar demais com o que as pessoas ao seu redor vão achar.

_ Você pode ser apenas a minha imaginação, mas eu sou real. E na realidade, não funciona simplesmente assim "Vou fingir que estou falando com alguém invísivel e tudo vai ser normal, e se alguém achar estranho, vai ser problema da pessoa.", esquecendo de que moro em uma cidade pequena, as pessoas me conhecem e portanto, preciso sim me preocupar com o que elas acham.

_ Mas não tanto. Elas não se preocupam se você está sendo feliz com o que realmente te faz feliz, se preocupam?

_ Não sei. Provavelmente não.

_ Então, por que você se preocupa se elas estão notando ou não as suas atitudes? Talvez porque as suas atitudes, não sejam as que você realmente queira tomar. Agora, me diga, por que está sempre tão aflita?

_ Essa é uma pergunta que todos me fazem, mas nunca sei responder.

E olhando para o próprio reflexo....ela começa a refletir. E o mesmo se esvai.

Notando, que não estava em meio a multidões como imaginou e sim em sua própria casa, ela começou a pensar no que ela mesma disse. Se preocupara tanto em não incomodar aos outros, que passara por eles despercebida.

Pensando consigo mesma, questionou? O que me faz infeliz? Eu tenho uma família, uma casa, emprego, experiência fora do país, amigos, saúde..........e o que diabos me faz tão infeliz ???

O que eu quero para mim? Para onde quero ir? O que pretendo fazer? Com quem?

Frustrada, ela solta um suspiro e diz "Não sei..."

Talvez essa seja a sua maior angústia, não saber o que quer. Não saber para onde ir.
Ela quer ir, mas precisa de um caminho, ou ao menos, criar o próprio, mas em que direção?

E mais uma vez, deita em meio a cobertas, olhando para o nada, pela janela, respirando apenas por ser um ato involuntário e automático.

Paces of the moment

Silently I walk
Without looking back
I walk

Step after step
I walk

With tears that come and dry
Silently

I walk

With arms that hold tight
And ties that let go
I cry

With stars at night
That carry my desires
I hope

Hoping for wishes
Silently, I walk

I go.

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Maria Irani. She was the oldest child. The one responsible for the other siblings and for the house chores.
She used to live in a small town. Mostly rural. She worked hard since an early age.

Maria was a beautiful girl. With tan skin, blond and wavy hair and a dark shade of green eyes. She had a perfect body and the boys would fall over for her.
She had this sad look in her eyes and a wide, honest and shinning smile in her lips.
Nobody could turn their heads away from such a pretty girl.

On the other side of the same town. Used to live the youngest boy of his family. He lost his father when still a baby. Living on a farm, always working so hard to help bringing food home. He learned how to be rational and not ever let the emotions take over anything.
He wasn't the most reasonable person. But he had a special way to deal with animals. Specially horses. And everybody would come after him to ask for favors. As it was a mostly rural town. Horses were vary valuable at that time.

His name was Benedito. And he was a not so tall boy. Skin darkened from the exposure to the sun and the hard work at the farm. Light green eyes. Very expressive face. Mostly serious and impenetrate.

He was a cowboy. Used to participate on Rodeos and used to be very good at it.

One day, while on top of his horse, his light green eyes met the dark green eyes of Maria Irani.
The time stopped...

Benedito was back to his horse, which was jumping frenetically trying to take him down. But Benedito was too good to let it happen and won over the animal.

Afterwards...Benedito saw Maria Irani again. But also saw a few more guys trying to catch her attention and buying her goods. He soon got frustrated as he didn't have any money to buy anything to her and had nothing to say to start a conversation. He was shy and had such a pride to carry. He would never make a move at that moment.

Maria Irani went home thinking about the serious guy on the horse. And Benedito went home punishing himself for being such a coward.

Days passed by...and they lived in the same small town. An encounter wasn't impossible. It became very possible..and very often.
They couldn't believe everytime they walked by each other.

Benedito once tried a little greeting. Taking off his hat and looking her in the eyes. She responded with a killer smile. The smile that took his breath away.

Benedito thought "I need to win this girl."
Maria Irani thought "I wish he noticed me".

As they walked by each other, they sometimes would even talk shortly. Maria Irani thought he was such a show off, but she was in love. She already knew he was the love of her life.

Talking to her friends she used to say "I'm in love with him, but I'm just a prize for him. Just one more prize so he can show off to his friends."

Soon enough, he asked her to be his girlfriend. And sooner than that, he proposed to her.

Maria's mind said "No, he doesn't deserve me. He drinks too much, he is not serious about anything but his animals. I'm not for him." but her heart was such a fool. And she said YES.

Maria Irani was 16 years old when she got married to Benedito, which was 20 years old.

The marriage was always disturbed. A lot of fights, verbal and physical agressiviness, cheating, drinking and hard working and omission from Maria.

They had 5 kids. Fatima, Benedito Jose, Sueli, Alessandra and a long time after they had Marcus Paulo. Together with Fatima's first daughter Najara, that was born a week before Marcus Paulo.

They had a life full of stories. The kids say that Benedito was the most loving one and Maria was the most emotional distant one when dealing with them.

Troubles, problems, very bad behavior and a lot of omissions. The biggest loss of their lives happened when Benedito Jose, the second kid. Died on a car accident. Jose was Benedito's partner and companion. The one that learned everything from his dad. And the one that would settle Benedito's temper down. After this....Benedito was never the same. He wouldn't show how much he was suffering, but he started becoming a better person.

After 17 years, Benedito now is a loving and considerate husband and dad. And now he is able to cry over his problems, fears and guilty. And he is able to be the grandfather of 6 grandkids.

This is my tribute to my grandparents. The couple that didn't have time to be the best grandparents a kid could ask for, but the couple that on their best are the grandparents that I love unconditionally and am proud of.

I just got my flight back home request from the agency.
It made me get a little nervous. I feel weak...like I'm gonna faint.

I am super happy that I'll get to see my family, and eat the food that I love. But....I don't want to leave.

I've got this anguish now in my chest....that makes me want to burst in tears. They are so sttuborn and don't fall....so this feeling keeps growing and taking place everywhere.

I want to stay here........Brazil is not home for me. It's a vacation place. Ok...San Francisco is a vacation place also....but waaaaay better. Living here is like living a dream. Everything you want and need...you can find here. My dream is close to the end now.

There is no word....nothing...to describe the pain in my chest right now.
That's exactly how it feels.....empty....hallow......

Random Thoughts

Today is a beautiful day.
The sky is clear. A blue that sends me beyond my mind can reach.
I sit by the bridge, and I observe everything around. The trees are changing colors, the leaves are falling. The flowers are still open and they smell nicely. The squirrels are running all around looking for their nuts on the ground.
I watch the water flowing underneath my feet. I pick some little rocks and throw in the water. I like the sound it makes and the waves that forms around it. Everything is just beautiful.

I miss what once was happiness.

I wonder, when was it happiness?

I search, I don't find, I keep still.

I look to the horizon, I can't see the end.....there is no end. Then I think "there is hope,still".

As the world goes round, so I do. Maybe I don't follow this movements, it feels more like an "up and down"...the bottom is not fun at all.

I can't get enough spring to go to the top again, and I think I might be growing roots as I can't jump. If there is something that I hate the most, it's being stuck. Not able to move anywhere.

So I turn my eyes and my mind back to the place I am. And there is still peace. I'm waiting for my turn to flourish and bloom. ;)