I wanna scream and shout, I wanna say it out lout.
I wanna crack my bones and rip my veins.
I wanna scratch my whole skin, to get the scars from the wounds within.
I wanna dry myself out, crying the tears that are stuck on my soul.
I want something fierce, something to make me want to be here.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm sick of being sick.
Too much passion for no action....
I WANT A MEANING.

I took a flashlight and walking slowly I entered this world, my world. And slowly, I am recognizing this place, which is not lost as I though, or completely dark, or ugly....it is just a little messed up.
I put the flashlight aside and with my hands, I started cleaning up and putting things on their own place. And I can say that I am not afraid anymore.
Opposing all my thoughts, my world is magnificently beautiful and it is, indeed, where I chose to be. I think I just may spend a long time there, until it is free of all the dust that I let in. I welcome myself to my Home Sweet Home. ;)

Too personal and private to be read....let's share.

Where in space am I?
It feels like I've lived a hundred years and built nothing behind.
I never feel my feet hiting the ground, I never feel like I belong anywhere, besides in Portland.
I've always been so smart, such a quick learner. It's almost like I learn things by osmosis.
But where did it go to? Why isn't it well applied? Why am I almost 26 years old and still don't have a college degree? Does it matter now the fact that I was one year ahead at school my whole life?

Why does it feel like I've just flied all over the place and did nothing practical with my life?
Maybe I thought I would find Neverland and never grow up.
I am strong, I go after what I want, I am courageous, I like taking risks, I hate the monotony, I love learning from everything and everyone, I like complex things......but.....where am I now?
Have I been just spinning around and around and just now I stopped so dizzy trying to figure out where the hell I am and who the hell I am?

Where are my friends? Where are the people I used to talk to? All I see now is a computer screen...

Where is all that passion that used to make me so excited about everything ??? Now, when things happen, I am almost apathetic to them. I don't feel the happiness, I don't feel the sadness, I don't feel......I just suppose...
Do I still have a heart ??? Do I still have any adrenalin pumping on my veins???

I always loved moving around all the time. Always playing sports, riding bikes, swimming, running here and there. Where is my energy now? Where is my health?

What have I done to myself ????

It makes me wanna scream, it makes me wanna go back in time and forget about living life freely with no worries and carve a path, with determination and with results.....so then I can enjoy life freely with no worries, after I have got something more real....because the world is a real place. Not like the ones I created and escaped to. Think I spent too much time outside and now it's hard to get aquainted...

Where is the greatness about me that people say all the time? What do they see that I don't?

Shouldn't I be supposed to know myself more than anyone else????

I am not great.....I am just an almost 26 years old pack of dreams and delusions.

"Beim beim beim", says the alarm clock. Now it's time to wake up!

Right now I feel like I have nothing around me...I am traveling through time and stopped at one specific point. To the point where I felt like I was being rescued.
I was being rescued from my own darkness, from my own fears and my tears were being dried.
I looked up and saw a face....there was a smile on this face....a fucking crooked perfect instigating smile.
And I saw a pair of eyes...that were as mesmerizing as the moon. The way those eyes looked at me, used to send me to a place where I used to forget how to breath and my heart used to start its own race towards love.

I wish I could have stopped at that point forever. Just stay there...

My way...

I feel like my life is a mess.
Like a puzzle that doesn't have a match.
And I lost myself in between the many of me,
that are spread on the ground and thrown in the air,
having nothing to hang on or fall at.

It feels like I'm on a roller coast
My stomach burns and the ground never comes
Like a huge hole and a cold wind
That licks my face and makes me freeze

It is cold and it is dark
Too many directions, too many choices
Just one life...

What path should I follow?
The one from my heart?
But for which of them does my heart beat?
For all them and at the same time
I keep on having nothing...

I have dreams...

And I dream, through the day and through the night
But I actually can't fall asleep
I am too busy finding my way
And I am so tired of always finding the same...

Nothing...


Music of the moment:
"For a lonely soul you're having such a nice time..." (Keane - Nothing in your way)

E ela gostaria de esquecer, o que mal entrou. Mais uma desculpa, para explicar o seu estado.
Sente-se aflita, inquieta...um sentimento que há muito a atormenta.
Se perguntas por quê, não há resposta.
Ela também não sabe.

Um dia, caminhando entre pessoas e lugares, ela se depara com o seu próprio reflexo, refletido em nada.
O reflexo lhe sorri, mas ela não exprime contentamento. Ela está surpresa.
Beliscou a si mesma para certificar de que não era sonho. O reflexo não se beliscou.
Então, ela piscou os olhos com força, respirou fundo, abriu os olhos novamente e o seu reflexo ainda estava ali.
O reflexo lhe disse:
_ Calma, sou eu. Digo, você. Não está sonhando.

_ Mas como isso? As pessoas vão achar que sou louca.

_ Talvez esse seja um dos seus problemas. Se preocupar demais com o que as pessoas ao seu redor vão achar.

_ Você pode ser apenas a minha imaginação, mas eu sou real. E na realidade, não funciona simplesmente assim "Vou fingir que estou falando com alguém invísivel e tudo vai ser normal, e se alguém achar estranho, vai ser problema da pessoa.", esquecendo de que moro em uma cidade pequena, as pessoas me conhecem e portanto, preciso sim me preocupar com o que elas acham.

_ Mas não tanto. Elas não se preocupam se você está sendo feliz com o que realmente te faz feliz, se preocupam?

_ Não sei. Provavelmente não.

_ Então, por que você se preocupa se elas estão notando ou não as suas atitudes? Talvez porque as suas atitudes, não sejam as que você realmente queira tomar. Agora, me diga, por que está sempre tão aflita?

_ Essa é uma pergunta que todos me fazem, mas nunca sei responder.

E olhando para o próprio reflexo....ela começa a refletir. E o mesmo se esvai.

Notando, que não estava em meio a multidões como imaginou e sim em sua própria casa, ela começou a pensar no que ela mesma disse. Se preocupara tanto em não incomodar aos outros, que passara por eles despercebida.

Pensando consigo mesma, questionou? O que me faz infeliz? Eu tenho uma família, uma casa, emprego, experiência fora do país, amigos, saúde..........e o que diabos me faz tão infeliz ???

O que eu quero para mim? Para onde quero ir? O que pretendo fazer? Com quem?

Frustrada, ela solta um suspiro e diz "Não sei..."

Talvez essa seja a sua maior angústia, não saber o que quer. Não saber para onde ir.
Ela quer ir, mas precisa de um caminho, ou ao menos, criar o próprio, mas em que direção?

E mais uma vez, deita em meio a cobertas, olhando para o nada, pela janela, respirando apenas por ser um ato involuntário e automático.

Paces of the moment

Silently I walk
Without looking back
I walk

Step after step
I walk

With tears that come and dry
Silently

I walk

With arms that hold tight
And ties that let go
I cry

With stars at night
That carry my desires
I hope

Hoping for wishes
Silently, I walk

I go.