Pra você que nunca me olhou nos olhos de perto, não há o tão perto que te faça entender. O complexo tão simples, que anula qualquer nexo. O contexto etéreo, que é a pureza de ser. Alma...

Move on

I pack my few things, throw them on my shoulder, step outside the house and take a look around.
Everything is empty, the houses, the streets. I can only see animals and trash. 
What happened?
I don't know what happened. I just know I had to grab my things and leave. 
I look for the last time to what once was my home. 
Memories crossed my mind as if i was watching a movie. Except it wasn't a movie and I wasn't laying on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. 
A crooked smile appears on my face and some tears start to moist my eyes. I take a deep breath, let a sigh out and start walking. 
I can almost feel my muscles and bones growing. Like my spirit stretching inside of my body and making more room as it becomes more experienced and is ready to imbibe even more. 
I could be sad thinking this is the end, but I realize that it is just a new start. 
And even if it is sad to leave, it is extraordinary that there is a chance of a new journey.
I don't know what to expect, I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know if it is going to be good. I just go and move forward. Because forward is the only direction to achievement. 
Fresh air hits my lungs and I'm ready. 

Let's make a mess!!!

"Ticking away, the moment that makes up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way" (Time - Pink Floyd)

I woke up today, did what I had to do and came back downstairs to lay down and try to go back to sleep.
I would sleep for about 4 hours before having to go to work.
I couldn't fall asleep...too much noise around...too much in my head...
So I got up and made myself a cup of coffee.
Looked over the windows and saw a beautiful day outside. It is gorgeous, actually.
Got my coffee and went back to my room, with the curtain down...crawled into the covers and started playing brazilian songs on the radio. They calm me down...

Thinking about what to do with this free time...I got my art bag. It has all of my drawings from when I was taking art classes in Portland. Some books, my charcoals, pencils, erasers...whatever...
Got one of my pads and found this drawing from 2 years ago...

It got me really pondering about how much time I have wasted and how much time I'm wasting...

When did I lose the inspiration, the creativity, the sensibility, the passion to make art? Where is that insightful girl that surrounded herself in art....drawings, paintings, music, galleries, staring at the horizon with vague eyes but  just because inside her head there were billions of things crossing and getting her to move?

I complain so much about how time passes by so fast....how I'm getting older and have done anything with my life. How I am starting all over now, not even sure if this is the right thing. I'm just moving...

I don't recognize faces, I don't recognize places, I don't recognize feelings....

I'm underestimating myself and expecting that other people will do the opposite. haha

I definitely don't like the way I'm taking my life right now....because right now...it is blank....

Since when I'm the kind of person that has a blank, blend, meaningless life??? Since when???

I'd better start picking up my things and mess it all over again, because trying to organize everything is taking a long time and is not necessarily how it should be.

My room is the reflection of my interior...it's a mess, a complete mess, an awful jungle. But I know exactly where things are, how to find them and deal with it.

It's time to stop, tell those that want a NEAT Najara to fuck off, because i'm a MESS. And messy makes me happy! :)

Organizing is an offhand way to waste and fritter my time....in a metaphorical way of saying.
I just want to rest my bones next to a fireplace when i'm older and watch the sun shine and be happy about it. :)

What's going on?

Hard to even start...

I'm at a point where I don't know what I want and don't know what to do.

I thought that I would have a change coming back, because I was so sure that everything was going to be as it used to.

I don't know.....I feel like I'm not in the same place...

I feel so disconnected...from everything and everyone....

It makes me so tired trying to be nice to everybody, be positive, , try to make everyone happy...and at the end...it feels like i'm part of no one's life....that i'm just a piece left by itself...thrown...sometimes you remember to use it, sometimes you just don't care...

I miss being important....I miss not having to tell people "Hey, I'm here"...

I feel like I'm being taken for granted....and it hurts...so much, so much that i'm even sharing this....

Serendipity

How is it possible that dreams come true when you don't expect them to?

It's been a whirlwind for the past 3 months.

I decided that I wasn't trying to go back to the USA anymore. I got a good job and started college (all over again), but a course that I really like and intent to continue, which is Biomedicine.

I was in love with the course, even though I didn't have the time to study or time to relax, or time to see my family and friends...

I decided to stop wanting what wasn't going to happen...the United States.

You know, when you leave your home and go to an unknown place, to do something new, to learn a new language being immersed on its culture, getting to new places, seeing new faces...then after 2 years, it feels like you have been in a comma. Or that you have been just floating around, while the time passed to everybody else, but you.

Everything comes to a new perspective...including yourself.

You live the 2 years, as if it was a fairy tale. Because, for my reality, it was a fairy tale.

My family would never think about having the money to pay for me to travel abroad...I would never have the money to travel abroad...nobody in family have ever been abroad...

So, what I was thinking, since I was a little girl, when I dreamed about going to another country? Are you a fool?

But it happened.

My mom used to say that I dream too much and too high, that I should be more realistic about life. And I say "If there's no dream, what's the point of living?" For me, living is setting goals each day and fighting for them.

And I got it. Left everything and everyone behind to go after something that only I could go for: My Dream!

I lived it all...not the fullest, because I didn't want it to end...but I did. I experienced almost the most I could...and I loved it. I was made for this kind of life...

Then I went back home. It was so good to see my family again, my friends...eat the food i so love...it was incredible. But to tell the truth...if I was floating while I was in the USA, what should I call this sensation of coming back to a place I didn't feel I belonged to?

If it wasn't for the people in my life...I would never recognize my hometown as my hometown. My hometown would be Portland and San Francisco.

It took me so long to find the place that I fit in...and then I had to go back to a place that it didn't matter how much I tried to squeeze, shrink, collapse, expand, twist, pull to the sides....I could never get the shape of it and fit in...

I would spend hours looking at pictures, going to Google Earth just to pretend I was filling in the blanks...

But I decided I had to stay there and finish college for once and all.

When in September I got my family in the US offering me to come back.

It was a hard rational decision to make, very hard...I got a good job, I was doing well at college...I had plans...but the decision in my heart was already made, it never changed.

I said yes and started all the process to get back to the States.

It was NOT easy at ALL. First trial, I had my visa denied AGAIN. The first time it was denied, I had no other option but to accept. I had no one that could help me so I could change this.

This time, i didn't lose the faith. I had lost many things to try to go back, I could not lose it. Not give up that easily.

I tried once more. Had my cousins helping and thanks to God and to them, I got my VISA.

The moment I heard I got it, it sounded like a joke. I was in disbelief, I was shaking, I was confused...I thought that my english got really messed up, or my Portuguese, because at that time, I didn't know if the guy was speaking english or portuguese...haha

I didn't feel it, because I was numb....I was so happy, so excited, so amazed...that I was numb...

It couldn't be real...they made it so freaking hard for me to get this darn thing...that it couldn't be real!!!

But it was...it was So real!!!

I had from December 9th 2011 to january 1st 2012 to get everything ready. I had 3 weeks that went by so fast that I could barely notice...and still didn't realize...

there I was, on my way to the airport, sad/happy, asking my mom "Mom, have you ever thought that you would be coming to the International Airport for a second time to drop off/pick up one of your children?" (even though i'm not a kid anymore, but for our parents, we always are)

she said "I was just thinking that. not even in my furthest dreams I thought I would be doing that...it is too distant from our reality...it doesn't seem real. that is why I am so happy for you and so proud of you. You always fought for what you wanted. Congratulations, because you deserve this, every little piece of this. I am sad, because I want you underneath my wings, but more than that, I want you to be happy. It comforts me to know that you are where you want to be".

Got in the plane...sat there for almost 10 hours. Got the Newark Port of Entry and passed through immigration (which was tough...he sounded just like the consulate guy that denied my visa) Then I had to wait just 1 hour before my connection to San Francisco.

Got in the plane and had another 5 hours flying.

Got off the plane, met with my family here (which is not really my family, but we consider each other like family), I was SO HAPPY, but still not realizing that it was real...I was still very confused. It seemed like I have never left, it was so natural to be here...

Next day I took the car to go the college where I'm gonna be studying. When I was driving, going through that freeway, or to the College Avenue in Rockridge, then I realized. It hit me, like a baseball bat, right on my Temporal Lobe getting me disoriented. I started crying...I started thanking, more than I was already doing. Because it was something that I thought that would never happen again. It was something unreachable. And happened so fast.

It is real. I am back. I am here. I am happy!

After all the struggle I've been through. After all the dreams I daydreamed. It became real.

It feels good. it doesn't matter the difficulty here, if i have bad times, problems...whatever.

The word that I like the most comes to action, and gets me SERENE.

All I feel is SERENITY.

Ahhhhh (sigh)

UNIP

Aos interessados.

Prezados,

Venho por meio deste, registrar a minha completa insatisfação e sentimento de inferioridade em relação à administração e uma professora da UNIP do campus de São José dos Campos, curso de Biomedicina.

Sou aluna do segundo semestre, do período diurno, o qual o curso ainda nem foi reconhecido pelo MEC, já que a primeira turma se forma este ano.

Sendo um curso novo, que passará por avaliações e aprovações, acredito que os professores devessem prestar melhor atenção no seu conteúdo programático e na assimilação dos seus alunos, para que ao menos, na primeira avaliação, conseguissem atingir bons resultados.

Temos uma matéria chamada Fisiologia, onde a professora pode até ser competente e entender do assunto, nunca houve dúvidas quanto ao conhecimento da professora, porém o seu método de ensino, não é nada eficaz. Quando assisto às suas aulas, me sinto uma incompetente, incapaz de assimilar o assunto. Primeiramente, em suas aulas, ela começa perguntando sobre o assunto para os alunos, como se nós já fossemos formados e tivéssemos qualquer obrigação de saber, sem perceber, que estamos ali para aprender sobre o assunto primeiro. Muito tempo corrido da aula é perdido, por ela ficar esperando alguém dar uma resposta que não vem, porque se soubéssemos, estaríamos dando aula e não assistindo às aulas. Quando ela resolve explicar, a fisiologia é muito bem entendida, ela fala da anatomia dos sistemas, os hormônios, produtos, metabolismo de cada sistema, como funciona, se é por feedback positivo, negativo, infinito..etc. Mas não apresenta nenhum estudo de caso em sala de aula. Não dá exercícios para serem corrigidos em sala de aula e quando chega na hora da prova, ao invés de fazer perguntas objetivas sobre o conteúdo passado em aula, NÃO, ela faz a prova inteira com estudo de caso. Nós sabemos como funciona uma circulação sistêmica, por exemplo, mas NUNCA fomos apresentados a casos que explicassem porque tal reação de tal pessoa levou o coração a reagir de tal maneira. O conteúdo explica por onde o sangue passa e as trocas que ocorrem, mas não o que leva um homem de 55 anos a ficar cianótico após seu carro ser roubado.

Esta é a insatisfação geral da sala em relação a esta matéria. Gostamos da professora, achamos que ela tenha competência, mas não estamos satisfeitos com sua didática.

Acho que a minha principal insatisfação, é com a administração da UNIP.

Este semestre eu passei e passo por muitos problemas no trabalho, de saúde e pessoais. Não é fácil trabalhar e estudar. Sou perfeitamente capaz de fazer os dois ao mesmo tempo, mas às vezes passamos por situações que fogem ao nosso controle. São situações, que ou você opta por um ou por outro.

Eu não pude frequentar algumas aulas no mês de outubro, perdendo conteúdo de algumas matérias. E justamente por não ter condições financeiras onde posso jogar dinheiro fora, eu me preocupo MUITO com o meu rendimento. Quero fazer o dinheiro que ganho suado valer a pena.

Como eu percebi que ao final do mês, eu seria muito prejudicada por ter perdido as aulas e meus problemas no trabalho e com saúde não estavam nem perto de serem resolvidos, eu fui até o setor de atendimento aos alunos, pedir para trancar minha matrícula. Assim resolveria os meus problemas e no semestre que vem retomaria o curso, com um aproveitamento muito maior.

Mas fui notificada de que o prazo para trancar a matrícula era dia 21 de outubro. Como já tinha passado do prazo, eu teria que esperar o semestre acabar e ou trancar a matrícula ou ABANDONAR O CURSO.

Eu não estava mais conseguindo pagar o curso a partir de outubro, queria trancar, para não precisar dever novembro, dezembro e janeiro. Agora, ao invés de precisar pagar só outubro, eu vou precisar pagar mais três meses, sem ter condições e sem conseguir me dedicar aos estudos.

Eu vou terminar este semestre com péssimas notas, talvez levando DP para o próximo semestre, o que vai gerar mais custo e consumir mais tempo, o qual eu NÃO TENHO, porque a UNIP não pode trancar a matricula do aluno após 21 de Outubro!!!!

O aluno pode começar o seu ano letivo em Abril, mesmo o ano letivo começando em Fevereiro, mas ele não pode trancar a sua matrícula depois de 21 de outubro!!!!

Onde está a preocupação da UNIP com seus alunos? Com a avaliação dos seus cursos? Como fica o meu curriculum levando DP, ou fechando semestre com notas baixas? Não é algo que interfere apenas na minha vida pessoal e profissional, mas interfere na AVALIAÇÃO e CREDIBILIDADE da Instituição.

Acredito que eles não saibam que muitas pessoas dependem de uma graduação para conseguir melhorar sua situação na comunidade. Ter a oportunidade de galgar uma condição de vida melhor do que a atual. Talvez, para eles, os seus alunos sejam meros bebês que precisam de um brinquedo para mantê-los ocupados enquanto os pais não aguentam mais tomar conta!

Visita rápida da madrinha

Em uma visita rápida da minha madrinha aqui em casa, eu já consegui rir bastante.

Pois bem...minha bisavó não lê e não escreve.... =\
Acho judieira, mas enfim...

Minha madrinha contando "Ain Fatinha (minha mãe), a mãe (minha bisavó) é fogo viu. Ela fica inventando muita moda toda hora. E a gente que paga o pato. Toda vez que eu vou lá, ela só fala de comida...só comida, só comida. Nossa....cansa a gente, credo. Aí agora...ela resolveu que quer fazer kibe. Que ela viu a receita, viu como faz e quer fazer. Só que ela não faz nada, ela guarda a receita no computadorzinho dela, porque aquela memoria dela é um computadorzinho, nem eu lembro de tanta coisa assim. As vezes, to conversando com ela e ela fica perguntando se lembro do que aconteceu com tal pessoa há 20 anos atrás. Eu falo NÃO LEMBRO MÃE, ARAAA. Daí Fatinha, agora ela quer fazer esse bendito kibe. Falou assim: FIA, EU SEI TUDO, VAI LÁ COMPRA TUDO E FAZ. (kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk) Isso que enche o saco Fatinha. Que ela tem vontade de um monte de coisa, mas ela não faz nada. Outro dia era pizza enrolada, daí queria fazer empadinha, aí inventou de fazer coxinha, daí pediu uma chorrasqueirinha pro Carlinho porque queria assar frango. Aí agora inventa essa de kibe. O pior, é que eu que tenho que fazer tudo. Ela só guarda a receita e manda a gente fazer tudo!"

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Mais um episódio: MINHA BISAVÓ É UM BARATO!!