It's been a whirlwind for the past 3 months.
I decided that I wasn't trying to go back to the USA anymore. I got a good job and started college (all over again), but a course that I really like and intent to continue, which is Biomedicine.
I was in love with the course, even though I didn't have the time to study or time to relax, or time to see my family and friends...
I decided to stop wanting what wasn't going to happen...the United States.
You know, when you leave your home and go to an unknown place, to do something new, to learn a new language being immersed on its culture, getting to new places, seeing new faces...then after 2 years, it feels like you have been in a comma. Or that you have been just floating around, while the time passed to everybody else, but you.
Everything comes to a new perspective...including yourself.
You live the 2 years, as if it was a fairy tale. Because, for my reality, it was a fairy tale.
My family would never think about having the money to pay for me to travel abroad...I would never have the money to travel abroad...nobody in family have ever been abroad...
So, what I was thinking, since I was a little girl, when I dreamed about going to another country? Are you a fool?
But it happened.
My mom used to say that I dream too much and too high, that I should be more realistic about life. And I say "If there's no dream, what's the point of living?" For me, living is setting goals each day and fighting for them.
And I got it. Left everything and everyone behind to go after something that only I could go for: My Dream!
I lived it all...not the fullest, because I didn't want it to end...but I did. I experienced almost the most I could...and I loved it. I was made for this kind of life...
Then I went back home. It was so good to see my family again, my friends...eat the food i so love...it was incredible. But to tell the truth...if I was floating while I was in the USA, what should I call this sensation of coming back to a place I didn't feel I belonged to?
If it wasn't for the people in my life...I would never recognize my hometown as my hometown. My hometown would be Portland and San Francisco.
It took me so long to find the place that I fit in...and then I had to go back to a place that it didn't matter how much I tried to squeeze, shrink, collapse, expand, twist, pull to the sides....I could never get the shape of it and fit in...
I would spend hours looking at pictures, going to Google Earth just to pretend I was filling in the blanks...
But I decided I had to stay there and finish college for once and all.
When in September I got my family in the US offering me to come back.
It was a hard rational decision to make, very hard...I got a good job, I was doing well at college...I had plans...but the decision in my heart was already made, it never changed.
I said yes and started all the process to get back to the States.
It was NOT easy at ALL. First trial, I had my visa denied AGAIN. The first time it was denied, I had no other option but to accept. I had no one that could help me so I could change this.
This time, i didn't lose the faith. I had lost many things to try to go back, I could not lose it. Not give up that easily.
I tried once more. Had my cousins helping and thanks to God and to them, I got my VISA.
The moment I heard I got it, it sounded like a joke. I was in disbelief, I was shaking, I was confused...I thought that my english got really messed up, or my Portuguese, because at that time, I didn't know if the guy was speaking english or portuguese...haha
I didn't feel it, because I was numb....I was so happy, so excited, so amazed...that I was numb...
It couldn't be real...they made it so freaking hard for me to get this darn thing...that it couldn't be real!!!
But it was...it was So real!!!
I had from December 9th 2011 to january 1st 2012 to get everything ready. I had 3 weeks that went by so fast that I could barely notice...and still didn't realize...
there I was, on my way to the airport, sad/happy, asking my mom "Mom, have you ever thought that you would be coming to the International Airport for a second time to drop off/pick up one of your children?" (even though i'm not a kid anymore, but for our parents, we always are)
she said "I was just thinking that. not even in my furthest dreams I thought I would be doing that...it is too distant from our reality...it doesn't seem real. that is why I am so happy for you and so proud of you. You always fought for what you wanted. Congratulations, because you deserve this, every little piece of this. I am sad, because I want you underneath my wings, but more than that, I want you to be happy. It comforts me to know that you are where you want to be".
Got in the plane...sat there for almost 10 hours. Got the Newark Port of Entry and passed through immigration (which was tough...he sounded just like the consulate guy that denied my visa) Then I had to wait just 1 hour before my connection to San Francisco.
Got in the plane and had another 5 hours flying.
Got off the plane, met with my family here (which is not really my family, but we consider each other like family), I was SO HAPPY, but still not realizing that it was real...I was still very confused. It seemed like I have never left, it was so natural to be here...
Next day I took the car to go the college where I'm gonna be studying. When I was driving, going through that freeway, or to the College Avenue in Rockridge, then I realized. It hit me, like a baseball bat, right on my Temporal Lobe getting me disoriented. I started crying...I started thanking, more than I was already doing. Because it was something that I thought that would never happen again. It was something unreachable. And happened so fast.
It is real. I am back. I am here. I am happy!
After all the struggle I've been through. After all the dreams I daydreamed. It became real.
It feels good. it doesn't matter the difficulty here, if i have bad times, problems...whatever.
The word that I like the most comes to action, and gets me SERENE.
All I feel is SERENITY.
Ahhhhh (sigh)
