Tomb Raider...II = Aniversário Inesquecível.

Vamos começar pela analogia denotativa do título:
Tomb = Tombo
Raider = ô Raio
II = parte conotativa do título referente à numeração romana, indicando o número dois. Ou seja, segundo tombo.

Meus tomb raiders tão virando novelaaaaaaa.

Fato: CAÍ DE NOVOOOOO ahuahauhauhauahauhauahuahauhauahauhauahuahauahuaha

Como ocorreu: EU NÃO TAVA CORRENDO, tava andaaano!
(Vale lembrar que as palavras estão ortograficamente incorretas propositalmente, já que este enfatiza o episódio descrito pela narradora). Nem sei do que tô falando...hauhauhauahuaha

Quando a pessoa faz aniversário, é muito legal receber os parabéns, as vezes presente e tudo o mais. Só que vai chegando um certo ponto da vida, que você pensa: "Puta que pariu, tô velha. E agora?"

Daí a gente lembra que só trabalha, estuda, trabalha, estuda, se fode....e nadaaaaa de tcherecheche!!!!

A pessoa muito empolgada por ter conseguido a sexta-feira da semana de seu aniversário de folga, combinou com algumas amigas de sairem numa balada do caralho em San Francisco e aproveitar a noite. A balada ia até as 4 da manhã.

Primeiro, que para irrrrr a Jéssika e eu nos perdemos e quando vimos estávamos pegando a ponte de vooooolta para a East Bay. E teríamos que pagar pedágio de noooooovo se fôssemos atééé o final da ponte. Já era mais de 11 da noite!!!!

Achamos a saída para Treasure Island que fica bem  no meio do caminho entre San Francisco e a East Bay. Só que nãooooo conhecemos Treasure Island. Tentando achar o caminho de volta pra ponte em direçao a san Francisco, nós paramos num lugar lá, tiramos fotos e finalmente voltamos.

Chegamos na balada, tava lotaaaaaado aquele lugar. E quaaaaaanta gente estranha!!! Mas adoro néam?? Porque, convenhamos, eu não sou lá a pessoa mais normal... =S

Estava adoraaaando o lugar, as pessoas, a música.....a Jéssika não tinha entrado na vibe ainda. Mas 3 horas da manhã ela conseeeeeguiu!!!! hauahuahauhauahuahauhauahuahuahuaha

Mas daí a Monize, a Trish, Natalie e o namorado já estavam indo embora. =//////

A festaaaaa começou as 3 da manhããã!!! De lá, nós fomos para uma outra balada....que é onde todo mundo vai depois que tudo fecha, chamada "The End Up"...que fica aberta até as 10 da manhã!!!!

Estávamos lá dançando e o DJ chamou a gente pra ir lá pra cima na cabine dele!!!!
Subimos, ele mostrou como funcionava e tudo o mais. O carinha que controlava a iluminação da balada falou que eu podia mexer...e eu fiquei láááá controlando a luuuuz e me sentindo o máximo!!!

O próóóximo episódio é que não foi o máximo!!!!

Quando fui sair da cabine, tava tudo muito escuro e eu não vi onde estavam os degraus. A hora que pisei em falso, veio o TOOOOMB RAIIIDER de mais ou menos uns 120 centímetros. No que caí, meu pé virou com tudooooo da sandália e eu fiquei parecendo uma mula manca ou o canguru perneta!!! hahauhauhauahuahuahuaha

Pra variar um pouco só, eu disse "I FEEEEEELL"!!! ao invés de "CAÍ'" ! hahaha

Mas tava neeeem aíííí...tirei o sapato e continuamos lá curtindo!!!
Ficamos na balada atéééé 8:30 da manhã.

De lá nós fomos pro Dolores Park pra tomar café e relaxar antes de voltar, porque a pessoa aqui é um ser trabalhador....hauhauhauahuahauhauhauahauha Tinha que estar em casa as 3 da tarde.

DORMIIIII lindamente no parque até 1 da tarde e foi quando voltamos pra casa.

Meu pé doendo, inchando, roxo e eu achando que nada tinha acontecido.

Chegou domingo e fomos pra San Francisco de novooooo. Dancei por mais umas 6 horas seguidas e nada do pé doer!!! Achei FENOMENAL!!!!! Toquei percussão enquanto a música tava rolando....foi lindo!!!

No dia seguinte eu não podia nem mexer o meu pé de tanto que doía. O roxo virou preto...pensei: GANGRENA, NÉ? VÃO AMPUTÁÁÁÁÁÁ MEU PÉÉÉÉ!!!! =SSSSS

Depois de 40 minutos no telefone com a recepcionista da clínica, eu cosnegui marcar uma consulta com o médico pra terça-feira.

Cheguei lá toda sorridente, achando que só ia falar pra tomar anti inflamatorio e não pegar pesado.

O medico entrou e eu falei "Nossa, esse raio X tá muito limpo, bem legal. Eu só vim mesmo, porque todo mundo tava enchendo meu saco pra ver o que era, parece que eles não acreditam que algo esteja doendo sem que um médico diga que tá mesmo feio o negócio."

Ele responde "Você acha mesmo que não tenha nada?"

PERDI O SORRISO NA HORA e disse "Não tem, tem?"

Ele "Essa linhazinha aqui, tá vendo? É onde o seu pé está trincado!"

Eu "EU TRINQUEEEI O PÉÉÉÉ???"

Ele riu da minha cara e disse "Trincou, vai precisar usar bota por 6 semanas no mínimo"

E foi assim que eu fiquei velha!!!! hauhauahauhauhauahauhauahuahuahauhauahuhauhauhauahuhuaha

FIM!

I used to think that heroes were those people you admire and appreciate. And they had to be the inspiration and motivation to go through with life.
Today I came to a realization that I am my own hero.
I am sacrificing so much and I don't take it lightly. I am giving up all that matters to me, to try to do something with my life and be able to give back to those who lived for me and my brother and to people that are in need of at least the attention of another human being.
Hence why I am so far away from them, to pursue the educational degree necessary to get THE JOB. To be successfull professionally. To not worry about what time it is when I am working  but how good things are turning out. Of course I want to make good money so I can afford being in Brazil at least once a year and have a house, a car, a bike, tv, computer, heater, stove, dishwasher, washing/drying machine, food in the fridge, tools to workout, maybe a club membership, phone, insurance and be able to travel places I have been, I have never been and activies I like to do and want to try for the first time. Not in this order.

It is scary when your perspective changes spectrums. Today I am desperate that I am so far away from my family and friends, missing on so much...thinking if this is really worth my sacrifice.
Thinking about when I graduate, those who matter and I always wanted on my graduation party, won't be able to be part of it. Won't be able to come here and see me receiving that piece of paper that will translate as "You got it!".
It doesn't matter what I do. I won't be complete.

Today, to overcome those feelings, I had to think that I am my own hero. I am crossing boundaries and sawing ropes to walk my way. I'm proud of myself. Even if I am already almost 28 and could of being pursuing a phD right now if i followed the natural course of life...I'm still proud of me.

To all the people that make their own choices and accept the circumstances: Cheers!!!

Now let me drink from that glass and inebriate myself!!!!
;)

Pra você que nunca me olhou nos olhos de perto, não há o tão perto que te faça entender. O complexo tão simples, que anula qualquer nexo. O contexto etéreo, que é a pureza de ser. Alma...

Move on

I pack my few things, throw them on my shoulder, step outside the house and take a look around.
Everything is empty, the houses, the streets. I can only see animals and trash. 
What happened?
I don't know what happened. I just know I had to grab my things and leave. 
I look for the last time to what once was my home. 
Memories crossed my mind as if i was watching a movie. Except it wasn't a movie and I wasn't laying on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. 
A crooked smile appears on my face and some tears start to moist my eyes. I take a deep breath, let a sigh out and start walking. 
I can almost feel my muscles and bones growing. Like my spirit stretching inside of my body and making more room as it becomes more experienced and is ready to imbibe even more. 
I could be sad thinking this is the end, but I realize that it is just a new start. 
And even if it is sad to leave, it is extraordinary that there is a chance of a new journey.
I don't know what to expect, I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know if it is going to be good. I just go and move forward. Because forward is the only direction to achievement. 
Fresh air hits my lungs and I'm ready. 

Let's make a mess!!!

"Ticking away, the moment that makes up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way" (Time - Pink Floyd)

I woke up today, did what I had to do and came back downstairs to lay down and try to go back to sleep.
I would sleep for about 4 hours before having to go to work.
I couldn't fall asleep...too much noise around...too much in my head...
So I got up and made myself a cup of coffee.
Looked over the windows and saw a beautiful day outside. It is gorgeous, actually.
Got my coffee and went back to my room, with the curtain down...crawled into the covers and started playing brazilian songs on the radio. They calm me down...

Thinking about what to do with this free time...I got my art bag. It has all of my drawings from when I was taking art classes in Portland. Some books, my charcoals, pencils, erasers...whatever...
Got one of my pads and found this drawing from 2 years ago...

It got me really pondering about how much time I have wasted and how much time I'm wasting...

When did I lose the inspiration, the creativity, the sensibility, the passion to make art? Where is that insightful girl that surrounded herself in art....drawings, paintings, music, galleries, staring at the horizon with vague eyes but  just because inside her head there were billions of things crossing and getting her to move?

I complain so much about how time passes by so fast....how I'm getting older and have done anything with my life. How I am starting all over now, not even sure if this is the right thing. I'm just moving...

I don't recognize faces, I don't recognize places, I don't recognize feelings....

I'm underestimating myself and expecting that other people will do the opposite. haha

I definitely don't like the way I'm taking my life right now....because right now...it is blank....

Since when I'm the kind of person that has a blank, blend, meaningless life??? Since when???

I'd better start picking up my things and mess it all over again, because trying to organize everything is taking a long time and is not necessarily how it should be.

My room is the reflection of my interior...it's a mess, a complete mess, an awful jungle. But I know exactly where things are, how to find them and deal with it.

It's time to stop, tell those that want a NEAT Najara to fuck off, because i'm a MESS. And messy makes me happy! :)

Organizing is an offhand way to waste and fritter my time....in a metaphorical way of saying.
I just want to rest my bones next to a fireplace when i'm older and watch the sun shine and be happy about it. :)

What's going on?

Hard to even start...

I'm at a point where I don't know what I want and don't know what to do.

I thought that I would have a change coming back, because I was so sure that everything was going to be as it used to.

I don't know.....I feel like I'm not in the same place...

I feel so disconnected...from everything and everyone....

It makes me so tired trying to be nice to everybody, be positive, , try to make everyone happy...and at the end...it feels like i'm part of no one's life....that i'm just a piece left by itself...thrown...sometimes you remember to use it, sometimes you just don't care...

I miss being important....I miss not having to tell people "Hey, I'm here"...

I feel like I'm being taken for granted....and it hurts...so much, so much that i'm even sharing this....

Serendipity

How is it possible that dreams come true when you don't expect them to?

It's been a whirlwind for the past 3 months.

I decided that I wasn't trying to go back to the USA anymore. I got a good job and started college (all over again), but a course that I really like and intent to continue, which is Biomedicine.

I was in love with the course, even though I didn't have the time to study or time to relax, or time to see my family and friends...

I decided to stop wanting what wasn't going to happen...the United States.

You know, when you leave your home and go to an unknown place, to do something new, to learn a new language being immersed on its culture, getting to new places, seeing new faces...then after 2 years, it feels like you have been in a comma. Or that you have been just floating around, while the time passed to everybody else, but you.

Everything comes to a new perspective...including yourself.

You live the 2 years, as if it was a fairy tale. Because, for my reality, it was a fairy tale.

My family would never think about having the money to pay for me to travel abroad...I would never have the money to travel abroad...nobody in family have ever been abroad...

So, what I was thinking, since I was a little girl, when I dreamed about going to another country? Are you a fool?

But it happened.

My mom used to say that I dream too much and too high, that I should be more realistic about life. And I say "If there's no dream, what's the point of living?" For me, living is setting goals each day and fighting for them.

And I got it. Left everything and everyone behind to go after something that only I could go for: My Dream!

I lived it all...not the fullest, because I didn't want it to end...but I did. I experienced almost the most I could...and I loved it. I was made for this kind of life...

Then I went back home. It was so good to see my family again, my friends...eat the food i so love...it was incredible. But to tell the truth...if I was floating while I was in the USA, what should I call this sensation of coming back to a place I didn't feel I belonged to?

If it wasn't for the people in my life...I would never recognize my hometown as my hometown. My hometown would be Portland and San Francisco.

It took me so long to find the place that I fit in...and then I had to go back to a place that it didn't matter how much I tried to squeeze, shrink, collapse, expand, twist, pull to the sides....I could never get the shape of it and fit in...

I would spend hours looking at pictures, going to Google Earth just to pretend I was filling in the blanks...

But I decided I had to stay there and finish college for once and all.

When in September I got my family in the US offering me to come back.

It was a hard rational decision to make, very hard...I got a good job, I was doing well at college...I had plans...but the decision in my heart was already made, it never changed.

I said yes and started all the process to get back to the States.

It was NOT easy at ALL. First trial, I had my visa denied AGAIN. The first time it was denied, I had no other option but to accept. I had no one that could help me so I could change this.

This time, i didn't lose the faith. I had lost many things to try to go back, I could not lose it. Not give up that easily.

I tried once more. Had my cousins helping and thanks to God and to them, I got my VISA.

The moment I heard I got it, it sounded like a joke. I was in disbelief, I was shaking, I was confused...I thought that my english got really messed up, or my Portuguese, because at that time, I didn't know if the guy was speaking english or portuguese...haha

I didn't feel it, because I was numb....I was so happy, so excited, so amazed...that I was numb...

It couldn't be real...they made it so freaking hard for me to get this darn thing...that it couldn't be real!!!

But it was...it was So real!!!

I had from December 9th 2011 to january 1st 2012 to get everything ready. I had 3 weeks that went by so fast that I could barely notice...and still didn't realize...

there I was, on my way to the airport, sad/happy, asking my mom "Mom, have you ever thought that you would be coming to the International Airport for a second time to drop off/pick up one of your children?" (even though i'm not a kid anymore, but for our parents, we always are)

she said "I was just thinking that. not even in my furthest dreams I thought I would be doing that...it is too distant from our reality...it doesn't seem real. that is why I am so happy for you and so proud of you. You always fought for what you wanted. Congratulations, because you deserve this, every little piece of this. I am sad, because I want you underneath my wings, but more than that, I want you to be happy. It comforts me to know that you are where you want to be".

Got in the plane...sat there for almost 10 hours. Got the Newark Port of Entry and passed through immigration (which was tough...he sounded just like the consulate guy that denied my visa) Then I had to wait just 1 hour before my connection to San Francisco.

Got in the plane and had another 5 hours flying.

Got off the plane, met with my family here (which is not really my family, but we consider each other like family), I was SO HAPPY, but still not realizing that it was real...I was still very confused. It seemed like I have never left, it was so natural to be here...

Next day I took the car to go the college where I'm gonna be studying. When I was driving, going through that freeway, or to the College Avenue in Rockridge, then I realized. It hit me, like a baseball bat, right on my Temporal Lobe getting me disoriented. I started crying...I started thanking, more than I was already doing. Because it was something that I thought that would never happen again. It was something unreachable. And happened so fast.

It is real. I am back. I am here. I am happy!

After all the struggle I've been through. After all the dreams I daydreamed. It became real.

It feels good. it doesn't matter the difficulty here, if i have bad times, problems...whatever.

The word that I like the most comes to action, and gets me SERENE.

All I feel is SERENITY.

Ahhhhh (sigh)